Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
You Might Also Like
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!