“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
You Might Also Like
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
6. me as a lawyer