OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Am I having a stroke?
I’d hang this in my house.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.