My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.