7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I want what they have
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist