“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Carpe DM
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.