What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.