Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.