Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind