My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is