[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out š
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I donāt know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Comic š„ŗšššā¤ļøāš„
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: A psychiatrist? Thatās silly. Thereās no such thing as ātoo obsessed with bagels.ā
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by āoh.ā in that text message?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] iām allowed to do this because itās quiet
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Just read about something called ārunnerās diarrheaā so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then youāre gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The only time Iām happy that Iām short, is when Iām laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, āyouāre just where I left you.ā
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though Iām a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
if youāre on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed