heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Important
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.