Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
me refusing to leave twitter
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant