Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
#Caturday
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?