The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there