My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You learn something every day
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
🤣😂
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.