Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
When can I start eating bats again.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.