relationship goals
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Lmao
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
why isn’t he texting back
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food