Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Good morning
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
🤣😈🤣
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser