I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I love twitter
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.