Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”