Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My biological clock is wheezing.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
No, he would not have.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”