Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Raisins are grape jerky.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
peeping toms
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it