You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea