Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.