ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur