if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.