Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
That earthquake could have been an email.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.