KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.