My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”