A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.