Just me?
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then