I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
You Might Also Like
the three branches of government
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.