A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”