Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook