Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Yes, this is exactly right
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly