Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I can’t stop watching this.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Somebody’s lying.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick