Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
You Might Also Like
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Friday
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened