Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Investing in beetcoin
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
They did not miss in the small print
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT