*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.