My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.