Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
You Might Also Like
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!