Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
boat question
The glory of fall.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins