Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.