Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*