Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN