*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE