Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
can’t talk my ride’s here
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot