Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.