My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.